Instructions

Don’t use passive voice. Don’t name your characters names that use many of the same letters, and never name two characters with names that begin with the same first letter. Balance exposition with dialogue and scene. Know the difference between plot and story. Use quotation marks. Don’t use quotation marks. Don’t use metaphors and similes. Seriously. Don’t use metaphors and similes. Trust your readers. Tell your readers everything. Introduce a gun in the first act and make sure that damn gun goes off by the middle of act three. Don’t introduce a gun. Guns are stupid.

Write every day. Don’t write when the words won’t come. Write by hand. Type on an old typewriter. Use windows. Use a Mac OS. Seriously. Buy a Mac if you don’t have one. Write three pages every day. Write five pages every day. Write a paragraph every day. Memorize sentences from your favorite books and write these sentences you’ve memorized from your favorite books and write these sentences by hand, because the best way to learn how to write is to feel the words in your fingers. Don’t read when you write. Don’t read in the same genre in which you write. Don’t read anything. Read everything.

Use semicolons sparingly. Don’t use adverbs. Use adverbs when no other word will do. Know the difference between adverbs and adjectives. Don’t use adjectives. Use adjectives. Your reader won’t know the difference, but you should know the difference between adverbs and adjectives.

Read your sentences out loud. Listen for the inner rhythm in your sentences. Stumble over a word or three, and your reader will stumble over a word or three. Write something, then put it away, then write something else, then go back to what you wrote the first time, put it away, continue.

Continue.

Write without editing yourself. Edit each line as you write it. Write a page; then delete the page; then re-write the page, and see what comes back the second time around.

Use words the way the words are meant to be used. Don’t use the word are. In fact, don’t use the word don’t. Contractions are lazy. Delete the phrase there are from your writing toolbox. There are is a lazy way to write. Don’t be lazy.

Take suggestions for revision. Don’t take suggestions for revision. Listen to the people whose opinions matter. The only opinion that matters is yours. The word that can usually be stricken from your work. Again, don’t fucking use passive voice.

If you are going to use the word this (i.e., This is the best list of don’t I’ve ever read) then make sure you identify the this to which you are referring (This don’t list is the best I’ve read).

Follow rules. Don’t follow rules. Make up your own rules. Ask for advice. Don’t ask for advice. Tell me to fuck off. Take risks. Submit even when you don’t think you’re ready to submit. Make mistakes. Learn from your mistakes. Make different mistakes.

Write.